


To Say I Love You

by Ellie603



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, How to save Phil Coulson, a bit of angst, more than a few parasailing jokes, post 5x22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellie603/pseuds/Ellie603
Summary: Coulson has made the decision to spend what remains of his life in Tahiti with the most important person in his life, but there's still one thing he's never said, and that might just change everything.





	To Say I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Guys I'm still not even a little bit okay about any of what happened on Friday. Phillip J. Coulson can't die. End of story. And if we have a full year before we find out what happens on that beach in Tahiti (besides a whole lot of sex with May, obviously that's a given), at least we can live through happy fanfic.
> 
> This is a little sadder than I was intending it to be, but it's mostly fluff and Philinda gets their happy ending, so I don't feel too guilty. This is for all you guys who have been dying with me for the last few days.
> 
> Enjoy!

Phil watched the Zephyr fly away, grateful for the team’s goodbyes, as bittersweet as they had been. 

After Daisy had used the centipede serum to defeat Talbot and Fitz had been killed, everyone seemed to have come to terms with Phil’s impending death, or at least there was so much to do that they all let it go. Phil knew that Jemma would find Fitz somewhere out there in space, and he had every confidence that Mack would lead the team well as Shield moved out of the shadows and helped protect the world. But Phil just wanted to spend the rest of his time in a place where he could relax, where he could be content until it was over.

So Daisy, with a smile that was both teasing and sad, had suggested Tahiti. 

And Melinda had stated that she was coming with him, her eyes steely as though challenging him to reject her offer. 

He never would have. He had known for a long time that the only way he could ever be at peace was with Melinda at his side. 

So now the team, _his_ team, was off to their next adventure. And Phil’s adventures were over. 

Well, almost over. 

Melinda’s hand was warm in his, and her head rested on his shoulder, the weight both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. She had been with him through everything, but this was different. This was better. 

He glanced down at her and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. 

She looked up at the action, a small smile spreading across her face as their eyes met behind sunglasses. 

It took Phil’s breath away to have her so close to him, everything out in the open, finally together after all this time. 

He leaned down easily to capture her lips with his, reveling in the small sigh that Melinda let out at the contact. He shifted to deepen the kiss, Melinda’s free hand coming up around his neck, as his found her waist, pulling her to him tightly. He knew he might not have a long time, so he wasn’t going to waste a second. 

Phil broke away after a moment, resting his forehead against Melinda’s as he took in the moment. The sky and the sun and the sand were so beautiful, but it all paled in comparison to the woman in his arms. 

“I thought we might check out the house,” he said after a moment, referring too the small, secluded cottage Daisy had found for them just up the beach. “Maybe get to some parasailing.” 

Phil couldn’t see Melinda’s eyes behind her sunglasses, but he knew she was glaring at him. “Don’t you dare try to make that a thing, Phil,” she said, her words laced with amusement even as she tried to reprimand him.

“I believe that was your joke, Melinda,” Phil replied, his hand sliding up to cup her cheek as he kissed her slowly. 

She relaxed at his touch, almost melting into him, but Phil pulled back with a smirk. “We really should go see the house.” 

Melinda shoved him, but she laced her fingers back through his, her thumb rubbing up and down over his almost unconsciously as the crossed the sand. 

The cottage was lovely, just a small kitchenette in the corner of the living room and a bedroom with open windows looking out over the ocean. 

“Daisy did good,” Phil said looking around as he took off his sunglasses. “This is perfect.” 

Melinda nodded next to him, setting her own sunglasses down on a table and turning back to Phil. 

“But I think I’m going to be cheesy and say that anywhere would be perfect as long as I’m with you,” Phil added softly with a small smile. 

Melinda shook her head at him, as though out of habit. “Really, Phil?” she said, her words exasperated. 

But Phil’s reply was perfectly serious. “Really.” 

Melinda stared at him for a moment, as though she was trying to decide something, and then her hands were around his neck, pulling him down to meet her. She was everywhere, all around him, the softness of their kisses on the beach replaced with passion and intensity that Phil had never experienced before. It was everything he had never known he was missing. It was Melinda. 

“You ready for some parasailing?” she whispered lightly in his ear, making him shiver, and he kissed her greedily as an answer.

Oh yes, he was definitely ready.

* * *

That night found Phil lying in bed, the love of his life curled up into him. She felt so tiny in his arms, her head resting on his chest. They were both exhausted after the events of the last week (and the activities that had occupied much of their afternoon and evening), so Melinda had fallen asleep quickly, and Phil wasn’t too far behind. 

This had been the best day of his life. He had shared nearly every part of himself with Melinda after years of arguments and steps back and evil villains intent on destroying the world (and, in the process, any chance had and Melinda had to be together), and it had been everything he’d ever wanted.

Much better than actual parasailing, he’d joked to Melinda afterward, receiving a shove in return. 

But something felt wrong. Not horribly wrong, just… not as perfect as it should have been. 

But he was tired and Melinda was here in his arms, so even as some unknown worry crept in the back of his mind, he was able to drift off to sleep happy and content… or almost content. 

_Suddenly he was standing in line with the team all fanned out on either side of him. At first he thought he was back at Fitzsimmons’s wedding again, but when he glanced down he saw that he was wearing a suit, which he definitely hadn’t been wearing in that forest what seemed like a lifetime ago._

_He looked up, startled, as music started to play, and he found himself staring at Melinda walking toward him in a red dress. Her smile was wider than Phil had ever seen, and her eyes were fixed on him as though the rest of the world didn’t exist. She was beautiful, breathtaking._ His. 

_This was their wedding. They were getting married. Melinda was going to be his wife._

_“Hey,” Melinda said softly when she reached him._

_Phil could only stare at her. “You’re perfect.” He couldn’t manage anything else._

_She reached out and took his hand. “I love you,” she said softly, reverently._

_But in that instant, Phil felt paralyzed. It was like he was back in that corridor in the Lighthouse again, Melinda confessing her love for him, and he couldn’t say it back. He couldn’t say it back._

_The scene changed, and now it was Daisy running up to him in front of a small house in the country that he didn’t recognize._

_She pulled him into a hug and then turned to hug Melinda beside him._

_“Oh, it’s so good to see you guys,” Daisy said, the smile on her face wide and excited._

_“We’ve missed you too,” Melinda replied, smiling herself, seeming entirely unburdened as she spoke to Daisy._

_Daisy turned to Phil. “Aren’t you going to show me inside? You haven’t shut up about you and May’s new house the last three times I’ve talked to you.”_

_Phil looked up at the structure behind him. It was their house. His and Melinda’s. Where they lived together, happy and at peace. It was too good to be true._

_The scene changed again. He was in a church this time, standing up at an altar in between Fitz and Hunter of all people. In front of him, Phil could see a priest with a nervous looking Mack, and Daisy, Bobbi, and Melinda on the priest’s other side. All eyes were turned toward the center aisle as Elena, looking radiant in a white dress, walked toward the altar, her eyes locked on Mack._

_Phil glanced across the altar to Melinda who was already staring back at him, a wide smile on her face as she covertly brushed a tear from her eye. She was crying. But they were tears of joy because even after everything, the team had made it._

_Mack and Elena were getting married, and Melinda May was so happy she was crying. It was the most beautiful sight Phil had ever seen._

_Now he was in an unfamiliar kitchen with a baby, a year old, looking up at him from her highchair. Her hair was brown and beginning to curl, and she had a smile that reminded Phil of Jemma and eyes that exactly matched Fitz’s._

_The baby gurgled, letting out a stream of sounds, one single word reaching Phil’s ears clearly._

_“May!”_

_Phil glanced over at Melinda who was staring adoringly down at the baby._

_“You’re her favorite,” Phil said with a smile._

_“I think it’s just because it’s easier to say ‘May’ than ‘Coulson,’” she deflected as she picked up the child, but she smiled even wider._

_Phil wrapped his arms around Melinda’s waist, pulling her to him so that the baby girl was between them._

_He pressed a kiss to the baby’s head and then to Melinda’s lips. “No, it’s because you’re wonderful.”_

_Before Melinda could respond, they were interrupted by two figures entering the kitchen._

_“Oh, where’s our baby girl?”_

_At the sound of Jemma’s voice, the child immediately began squirming in Melinda’s arms, trying to get to her mother._

_“Okay, we know who’s the real favorite,” Melinda remarked to Phil, laughing as she passed the baby back to her parents._

_“Well I hope you know that_ I’d  _pick you any day,” Phil replied, pulling Melinda back to him._

_They were grandparents (of a sort), and Melinda was looking up at him like he was the only thing that mattered in the world. This was all he needed. This was the answer._

_He arrived at one final scene. He and Melinda were in a cozy living room, curled up together on a sofa, Melinda nuzzling his shoulder. Around them Phil could see pictures of their team, weddings, birthdays, young children growing up. There were little mementos from their time at Shield, objects salvaged from the rubble of the Playground, old Captain America memorabilia, a lemon that Phil knew was to remind them of Deke._

_When he looked down at Melinda, he saw that she was older. There were streaks of gray through her hair and more lines around her face, but her smile was as content as he had ever seen it._

_“Melinda, are you happy?” he asked her softly._

_She looked up at him, her eyes radiating nothing but pure joy and affection. “I have never been happier than I am right now. I love you, Phil, so much.”_

_But he couldn’t say it back._

Phil woke with a start, his chest heaving. 

Those words. He couldn’t say the words. He couldn’t at the Lighthouse. He couldn’t in the med bay. He couldn’t at their wedding or in their house in the future as they grew old together side by side. 

Even here in Tahiti as they made love for the first time in this paradise surrounded by the surf and the sun, he hadn’t said it. He hadn’t told her that he loved her. 

Of course he did love her, and Melinda certainly knew how he felt, but even now that he had accepted his fate, now that everyone else seemed to have accepted it too, he still couldn’t say the words. 

Because if he said it, then it made everything real. He couldn’t tell her he loved her and then die without fighting for it. He was giving up an entire future, a family, beautiful days spent with the team. But most of all, he was giving up a future for Melinda. The future where she smiled widely and laughed and made jokes. Where she cried at their team’s weddings and cuddled their babies. Melinda would live on without him, but that smile up at him from the sofa in a house they had made their own, that smile would die with him. 

He couldn’t let that go.

Melinda stirred next to him and pressed a kiss over his heart. 

Phil sucked in a hard breath at that. 

“Phil, are you okay?” Melinda had looked up at his reaction and was staring up at him, worry etched in her features in the moonlight. 

Phil shook his head slightly, and Melinda immediately shifted to sit in front of him, taking his hands in hers. 

“What’s wrong, Phil? Are you…?” she trailed off. 

Was he dying, that was her question. That was her greatest fear.

Phil shook his head again, finally finding his voice. “No, I’m… I’m okay. I just… Melinda, I can’t die yet.” 

Melinda stared up at him, surprise plain on her face. “What?”

“I can’t leave you,” Phil continued, his head still spinning as he looked for the right words to say. “I thought I could or that I had to, but I can’t. I can’t do that to you. You deserve the world, and I can’t be the one to take that from you.” 

Melinda looked almost confused by Phil’s words. “Phil, you said you didn’t want to do this. You said it didn’t feel right. And I don’t know if that’s true, but I get it.” She took a shaky breath, and Phil realized that there was a small tear trickling down her cheek. 

“I don’t want you to spend the last days of your life searching for a solution just for me,” she said, her voice almost breaking. “I don’t want to force you to stay alive. I gave you the choice, and you didn’t take it, and you saved the world because of it. We’re here for _you_ , so you can have this time to do whatever you want until it’s over. I thought that was what you wanted.” 

Phil wiped away the tear on Melinda’s cheek lightly, his thumb almost ghosting over her skin. “That’s what I _thought_ I wanted,” he said softly. “I’m on borrowed time as it is, why tempt fate, right?” He shook his head. 

“But, Melinda, I can’t let this go. I can’t let what we have go.” He thought of every moment that he’d seen as he slept and the thousand more moments that he hadn’t seen. “Our story doesn’t end here,” he said, his words growing more definite as he spoke. “You and I don’t end on this beach in this beautiful place. We have a future. And I can’t just stop fighting for that. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do, but I don’t want to stop fighting for you.”

Melinda didn’t say anything for a moment. She just stared at him, her mouth slightly open as she took in Phil’s words.

Suddenly she took his head in her hands, and her lips crashed into his. She kissed him deeply and then peppered kisses across his face, her thumbs caressing his cheeks. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she said, her voice barely a whisper, tears dripping down her cheeks again. 

“I love you,” Phil breathed pulling Melinda to him, burying his face into her neck. “I love you.” 

Melinda pulled back at Phil’s words, staring at him, her eyes filled with a happiness that Phil had only seen in his dreams. “I love you too,” she replied breathlessly before kissing him again. 

But then she left him, getting out of bed purposefully, the picture of Melinda May on a mission that Phil had come to love so much (the fact that she was wearing his old Captain America t-shirt and not much else only added to the image). 

“What are you doing, Melinda?” Phil asked, confused. 

“We’re going to save your life,” she replied with a smile, her eyes filled with an unwavering determination. 

And somehow Phil knew that it was going to be okay. 

And it was. Because there _was_ something. 

Now that Shield was out in the open once more and were heroes for saving Chicago (and the world, though no one else really knew that), they had access to government facilities and records and archives, and after May got in touch with the team (who had immediately decided that saving Coulson had to come before anything else, even Jemma agreeing despite the fact that it meant their mission to find Fitz was put on hold for the moment), Mack and Daisy were able to get in contact with various officials who knew about the locations of secret labs and storage facilities. So in just a few days they had found a previously unknown stockpile of old projects stolen from Shield facilities… that just so happened to include more centipede serum. 

There was _always_ something. 

The Zephyr returned to Tahiti about a week after it had departed, bringing with it the solution that would save Phil’s life. He had grown weaker in the intervening days, but he’d been with Melinda, even as she made lots of phone calls and relayed information to the team back at the Lighthouse. 

It would have been a stressful way to spend the last week of his life.  But it wasn’t the end; it was the beginning of everything. 

“You’re really sure about this, Phil?” Melinda said next to him in the med bay of the Zephyr, the orange syringe that would change everything lying beside them.

 They’d been in this position before, but so much had changed since then. Taking the centipede serum and prolonging his life no longer felt wrong or unnecessary. It was just what he had to do to make a world where he and Melinda were able to have the future they deserved, the future _she_ deserved. He knew there might be a side effect or two, but Daisy had had the serum in her bloodstream for a while now and everything seemed fine, and really he trusted Jemma with his life; it was more than worth any risk.

Phil looked up at Melinda with a small smile. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

And the relief and happiness in Melinda’s eyes was more than enough. 

Jemma injected Phil with the serum and almost instantly he could feel himself getting stronger, the weakness in his chest disappearing as he breathed in and out deeply. 

“Do you feel okay, sir?” Jemma asked him, her eyes a mix of hope and concern that hid a great deal of despair, Phil knew well. 

Phil just smiled up at her. “I’ve never felt better. Thank you, Jemma.” 

Jemma gave the first real smile he’d seen from her since before their Fitz had died. She was going to find her husband, and they were going to have a daughter, and Phil and Melinda were going to help them take care of her. 

Phil had fought for that future. 

When Phil stood up, Melinda immediately wrapped her arms around him, her head buried in his chest. 

“You’re okay,” she said, her words muffled by his shirt. 

Phil kissed her temple. “Of course I’m okay,” he replied. “I have you.”

There were goodbyes again, but this time there were no tears. Jemma was anxious to go find Fitz, and Phil had as much faith in her as ever. Phil hugged Mack and Elena and remembered his dream of their wedding and hoped that they would get there soon. Daisy made a joke about how their new plaque was kind of awkward now before she threw her arms around Phil and told him that she was going to call him constantly now that she knew she could. 

Phil was looking forward to it. 

And then they were back where they had started: Phil and Melinda watching the Zephyr take off into space (though this time they were left with a quinjet for their own personal use if Tahiti ever got old), their hands clasped together, Melinda leaning into Phil. 

But this time was different. This wasn’t an ending. Not anymore.

“So you never really said why you decided to fight for this,” Melinda said after a moment, her head against Phil’s arm as they watched the sun set over the water. “Just all of a sudden you didn’t want to die.”

Phil thought back to his dreams of spending time with the team, of he and Melinda’s wedding, of growing old together, how he realized that she needed him to say that he loved her and how he knew that he only could if he wasn’t going to leave her. He could have told Melinda all of that, but he didn’t.

“I realized that if I died we couldn’t ever go parasailing again,” he said instead, almost smirking at Melinda. 

Melinda blinked at him exasperatedly, but then she shook her head and smiled up at him, her arms winding around his neck. 

“I guess that’s a pretty good reason.” 

And as he kissed her again on the beach in Tahiti, the two of them together for the rest of their lives, he had to admit that it really wasn’t a bad reason to stay alive at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> There will be more fix-its from me in the next week, I can promise you that, and if you want to worry about Philinda with me, hmu on tumblr @parksanddownton603 :)


End file.
